How to de-skunk your dog and house

Our dog lost an argument with a skunk. He was let in by my daughter who thought he had 'just missed' being sprayed. It was immediately apparent after he came in the house, that this wasn't the case. This is my recommended approach if you ever have this problem.


Part One: The Dog

1. Give up on using gentle beckoning calls, the use of dog treats, and even the use of leashes quickly-- they don't work, and speed is of the essence (your house now smells as if some snotty kid had dumped a TON of stink bombs in it).

2. Get the air purifier, and turn it on MAXIMUM power-- don't worry about not being able to hear yourself think. If you can think of anything beyond the fact that you are dealing with the massive nose-numbing problem of a mess, dumped on you by a creature smaller than your car tire, you don't really have a big enough air purifier. It's too late now, but think about buying one tomorrow.

3. Lightly shampoo your dog in a cold shower. I know-- if you wait a little longer the water will warm up, but you are missing the point: get the dog wet NOW. In a tub with water? No. Why? Because he will refuse to go in the tub, and you are wasting valuable time arguing with him.

4. Use the 3/4 can of left-over-from-making-pizza spaghetti sauce, and pour on dog. Because although They say use tomato paste or sauce-- or at least that's what you remember 'Them' saying-- you don't have any. (After you buy the biggest air purifier on the planet tomorrow, toss in a few hundred cans of tomato sauce... or was it paste?)

5. Yell at the top of your lungs to daughter to bring MORE spaghetti sauce from cold storage. (Because one can is NOT enough).

6. Scrub into fur. If you have gloves, now is a good time to use them. I didn't, so learn from my mistake (Ewwww)

7. Rinse. (This is a good moment to have appreciation for the shower-head having a long, LONG neck,-- because getting splashed is not fun, and right now you can hide behind that glass door, while only subjecting one hand and arm to The Cause).

8. Try not to get upset at the fact that the carrots and other unidentifiable vegetables are clogging up the shower drain. Take off socks, (What?! You thought this was a do-from-a-safe-distance thing?! HA!), and get in there and clear drain.

9. Rinse the dog. Again. Again. And yet again. In fact, leave the shower on, shut the door all the way, and let him rinse for a LONG time. (The length of time is determined by estimating the amount your city will charge you for all the water usage, how desperate you are, and how much you are willing to sacrifice for The Cause.)

10. Get a towel ready. No, not a good towel-- one you hate. (Go for the ugly one that has lasted years & years). Get it ready now because the dog is semi-contained. It is probably 2am, isn't it?

11. Grab the two-in-one shampoo/ conditioner that you especially picked out for your five year old son, and POUR ALL OF IT on your dog. Scrub in. (Because if there is anything right up there in the Obnoxious Smell List, it has become very apparent that Wet-Dog-With-Remnant-of-Skunk-and-Spaghetti-Sauce is just under Fully Skunked Dog.)

12. Do NOT rinse. Wait for at least 15 minutes, more if you can.

13. Rinse. Rinse well. Yup, gotta do that one again.

14. If dog tries to 'shake it off', jump out of shower, and slam door. If not in time, well.... good-luck with that.

15. Rub dog with ugly towel.

16. Run after dog, and use any means necessary to get dog to go in garage-- deli meat, fish-sticks, your shoes.....Add a bowl of water, some (ugly!) towels for him to lay on, and SHUT DOOR.

Just don't take a deep, relaxing breath, because:


Part Two: The House

1. If your dog has even been inside your house for less than a second, you are probably noticing that your house smells so bad that the friend your daughter invited over to spend the night, (because skunk incidences, and other horrible events, only take place when you have guests at your house), has asked if she can sleep in the cold storage room. Don't be too jealous, and remember: shoving your way to get there first would probably be considered rude. Don't waste time-- send them in there, and get to work. Putting a scarf around your mouth will help lower the personal inhalation of the stench. Using a bottle of Fabreeze every three or four steps is even better.

2. Grab all those boxes of Baking Soda, (the ones you got when you thought that it might be fun to make your own laundry detergent, but then never got around to it. Yes, that was GOOD PLANNING on your part), and pour contents into a multitude of bowls. Place strategically around the house. (That means everywhere there is a flat surface.) Because if they can absorb the funky smell in your fridge, they just might work, right? Sort of. Kinda. But they need some help.

3. Take those plastic jugs of vinegar, (the ones you get every Easter, because the smaller sizes are gone from the store by the time you get there), and open them up. Pour contents into any remaining bowls.

4. Take shower. Rinse hand, (the one that was scrubbing the dog), with vinegar. Preferably Apple-Cider Vinegar.

5. Sprinkle the carpet freshener on all carpets.

6. Light several matches in the hope that it can help 'clear out' the smell.

7. Remember a tip from an old Relief Society hand-out, put shoes on, and with EXTREME CAUTION peek out the window to your front porch. Why? Because you're going outside. Why? Because for the first time ever (GOOD PLANNING again!), you bought straw bales for your Halloween decor, and you know-- or at least think you know!-- that if you add vinegar to straw it can absorb paint smells. Which means of course that it can help with skunk smells! Right? RIGHT.

8. Get out all cooking pots. Fill with straw, add vinegar. Place around house. (Be careful to avoid tripping on the bowls of Baking Soda, and Vinegar). Consider entering your house as a contestant for a horror movie. You could invest the funds for a nice vacation to a skunk-free locale..... like Antarctica.

9. Open doors and windows (after making sure the skunk is NOT nearby), and let in some air. Seriously--- your house is smellier than the outdoors, so let in the breeze. Close doors and windows when the outside air smells worse than the air inside the house.

10. Let in the cat. Watch cat run back outside without eating. Hope cat is smarter than dog-- or at least much faster.

11. Check up on all kids-- the one who decided your bed was 'better', the one who slept through it all, and even the ones sleeping in the cold storage (those lucky bums).

12. Go to bed. It is almost 3am.

13. Wake up, with horrible realization that it wasn't a nightmare.

14. Get all children dressed and out the front door, and into the car quickly. Let them breath that warm car smell in utter bliss, knowing that you will soon be able to join them.

15. Quickly get dog from garage, and transfer him into backyard. Make sure he has food and water. (And if you have to wonder WHY he was in the garage, and not the backyard, I can only say this: Do you REALLY have enough spaghetti sauce to do it all again???)

16. Open garage door several inches to allow putrid, tainted, horrible smell to seep out.

17. Open ALL windows in house to allow air circulation. (The outdoors smells nice and fresh thanks to that morning wind).

18. Leave. It doesn't matter where, but taking yourself, and the kids, out for breakfast is totally deserved.

19. Stay gone for 6 hours or so.

20. Buy a nice scented candle (or two), and when you arrive home, (for a five minute 'how is the house doing' check up), open candles, (do NOT light-- you still aren't staying there), and leave them to lightly scent the MUCH-BETTER-but-still-discernible-aroma-'deSkunk' air.

21. Leave knowing all your possessions and valuables are probably safe. No thief would stay in you house for more than five seconds.... And making the 'Premises is Protected by Attack Skunk' sign was possibly taking things too far. (Although it would be VERY believable right now).

22. Go pick up your spouse from the airport. Try to remain calm, and not hold him accountable for his absence, which resulted in you handling THE INCIDENT all by yourself. He couldn't help you from literally across the country.

23. When spouse complains about all the trouble of air travel with the unannounced gate changes, encroaching neighboring passengers, and the lack of a free mid-flight meal during his five hour flight, be at peace. In fact, take him out to dinner with the kids-- at a sit-down restaurant even, and listen to his woes with patience. Why? Two reasons: 1. Because a sit-down restaurant takes longer, and you are airing out you house. And two: Because there is NO WAY he can top you for pain, agony, and stress. And soon you get to tell him YOUR story ;)

24. Finally: arrive home to a muted smell, a dog who spent his time rolling in the grass, and who now miraculously doesn't smell of skunk. In fact, take pride in his extra glossy shiny coat of fur.


Final step: light the scented candle, grab a chilled drink, and put your feet up. It may even be safe to take a deep breath :)